Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
