I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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