I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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