I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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