I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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