At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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