1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
