phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sext me about skeletons
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize