Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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