How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
