I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
