he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
