someone threw a dead crab at me
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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