He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
