**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
