I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm bleeding and have questions
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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