you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We just shotgunned beers for America
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just pee around me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
