I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You ruined the universe
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
