Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
