Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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