Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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