Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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