My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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