i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
