i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My dick has a subreddit
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
