Define "chronic" masturbator.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
