farters have to be the big spoon...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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