A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
