So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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