Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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