when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
