I'm sorry my penis didn't work
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
