Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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