Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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