I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
