Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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