Need sex. Gaining weight.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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