His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
