I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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