my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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