My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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