I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
