Just fell off a train. Bad.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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