I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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