I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
