i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
