just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize