Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize