i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
