no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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