by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
