brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
