Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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