Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
