i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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