I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
