You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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