I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
