It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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