All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
