If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
