there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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