things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
