I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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