Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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