Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
