If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
