Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
