if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
