just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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