I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
